Laura D. Harver: 2020

Tuesday

Two Sides: Heads or Tails by Laura D. Harver

Image from Pixabay

Have you ever been in a game—or even watched one—when there was a toss-up? One side selected tails and other was left with heads. The official threw up the coin. There was anticipation over what side the coin would land on. As it spun through the air, the coin was on its edge, the suspense mounting. What will it be?

Regardless of what side it landed on, we would all need to hear the results. We would have to be ready to start the game. But what if the results were not what we wanted?

Has this happened to you before? Maybe the result you were waiting for wasn't a coin toss. It could be a job that you applied for, a team that you are eagerly waiting to be invited to participate in, or a fledgling relationship seeking reciprocation, you have put yourself out there and you’re waiting to hear back.

Regardless of what the toss-up is about, you will have to be able to hear the results. You will need to find a way to move on; but how? You must have a strategy to proceed if things do or do not go as you desired or expected.

Listen to the results. Practice mindfulness. What's going on now? Witness how you are feeling without judgment. Recognize your emotions.

Be aware of the story (stories) you tell yourself. Where did this story come from? Was the story true then, and is it right now? Can this story be applied to your current situation, or do you need to adapt your narrative? Decide what information you will tell yourself about the situation with a lens of truth towards yourself and others.

Choose your attitude and shift if needed. Learn from what took place, if you can. If there are some great takeaways, take them and use them now and in the future.

Practice good sportsmanship. Be ready to play or move on regardless of the side it lands on. Develop resilience. Be agile. Now, play to the best of your abilities.

Remember, you can use this to fuel your future. This can help you to get out of your comfort zone. This can help you to practice and build a new skill or develop your strengths.

Monday

Listen, Part II by Laura D. Harver

Active listening and effective speaking are skills that must be taught and developed. After all, if we want to communicate, there must be an exchange of ideas. There is a give and take just as there are a yin and a yang. Both traits are critical aspects of giving and receiving and one is just as important as the other.

For example, while interviewing a gentleman who was a Buddhist monk, I learned about his background, experience, and how he adapted to living in the United States. As I listened to him, I heard him describe his ethnic and national background. And after listening to him, he asked me a few questions and listened to my responses.

By communicating through both talking and listening, I was able to lean into the conversation, and consequently learned and understood a little more about his culture. I was also able to discover and highlight our similarities, which I found helpful in maintaining effective communication. Indeed, people who are able to find commonalities tend to be able to develop functional strategies—including a sort of third culture—when communicating with people from other backgrounds.

During the conversation, however, there was an opportunity to hit the button. He made some inappropriate statements about all American youth and Black single or Black teeenage mothers; he even went so far as to voice his surprise that I wasn’t one of them and that I had a car and my own home. WOW! Interesting!

Firstly, his statements were blatantly stereotypical. All American youth are not violent and sexually active. Secondly, Black women are not the only single teeenage mothers in America. But to put all of this into perspective, I should tell you more about the whole conversation before you tell me to hit that cancel button.

When we were speaking, he told me about the televsion shows that he watched, which did not give him a great perception of America. Although I was aware of the shows he was watching when they were on TV, I wasn’t watching them. I chose to watch other shows.

Were there other things to watch on televsion? Maybe. On the other hand, I don’t know what his viewing choices were during the time in his coutry of orgin. However, he described what he was watching and said he was concerned that television portrays too much sex and violence. I actually agree and feel that there need to be more options.

Although, I do not agree with everything that he expressed, there was some agreement between us. Through listening, I discovered that the gentleman and I had many similarities. Although he is Buddhist and I am Christian, we are both spiritual. In addition to our spirituality, we both have a deep concern for humankind.

So, what’s the moral of the story? Don’t be so quick to use or overuse use the cancel button. You can learn by listening, whether or not you find smiliarites or common ground.

Laura D. Harver is the founder and CEO of Harver Edge, LLC, the Innovative Solutionista™, and a credentialed Professional Certified Coach (PCC) through the International Coach Federation (ICF). She covers topics centered around leadership, health & well-being (individual, family, organizational), diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging, and legacy development.

Thursday

Listen, Part I

by Laura D. Harver

If you don’t agree with them, you just ignore them. Or debate them. Or cancel them. Why even listen?

In this current cancel cultural, people rarely feel like listening. So, why should we listen when we can simply turn the channel, unfriend, and unfollow? Should we cancel people, places, and things at times? Yes! But only after addressing the ethos, logos, and pathos of the issue at hand. Then go ahead, press the cancel button!

However, let’s not go so far that we simply refuse to strengthen our capacity for tolerance or our ability to listen actively. Come on, let’s grow up. At some point, we all need take a look at this worn out button and recognize that we are overusing it. Don’t we?

We have moved on from holding up a palm and saying “talk to the hand” as a form of saying, “I don’t want to hear you. Don’t even talk because we’re not listening,” to pushing the cancel button. The cancel button has become our go-to for not listening.

Warning. Stop! Danger! When we overuse this button, we lose opportunities to increase our knowledge and grow. The ability to listen can help you to develop your critical thinking skills and improve your relationships. This doesn’t mean that we will always or ever agree, but listening helps shape our civility.

Tuesday

We Need to Get Our Masks Together! By Laura D. Harver

I get it. You don’t like being told what to do, and it frustrates you. As an American, I get it. I like my sense of freedom, too. With that said, it does not mean freedom eradicates our responsibility to wear a mask when we leave our homes.

The wearing of masks is not a debate. It’s not a republican or democrat issue. It is about doing what is right. It is about caring for ourselves and others. Hence, let us stop politicizing not wearing a mask. Call it full flames, brushfires, embers of gold or gray, or whatever you may. The fact is people are getting sick and others dying amidst the unclear testing guidelines and inconsistent statements found on and offline.

We need to get our masks together. Like it, love it, or hate it, let’s wear them. After all, our need to be right or feel free does not halt our need to care for ourselves and others. Should we have rights? Yes, but we should also be our brothers’ and sisters’ keeper. So, come on and “Do the Right Thing,” as Spike Lee’s film title suggested.

Is there a precedent for getting our masks together so that lives are not continuously endangered or lost? I feel there is, but let’s explore this. Does every state require passengers to wear a seatbelt while riding in a vehicle? No. Is there still a case to make wearing a seatbelt mandatory? Yes, I believe so.

If the seatbelt scenario does not sway you, what about science? Okay, maybe you’re not all that interested in science, but what about having good ole common sense, showing some human decency, and most importantly, following the CDC guidelines? After all, what can we lose if we do? However, if we refuse to do these things mentioned, we risk our health, our well-being, and losing our own life as well as the lives of family members, community members, healthcare workers, etc.

Come on now, let’s work together and get our masks together. What can we do during this time? Here are nine things to consider:

1. Stop politicizing mask-wearing regardless of your party affiliation.

2. Wear a mask, or another appropriate face covering, when you are out in public.

3. Stop calling the virus by a race or ethnic group.

4. Stop downplaying the rise in cases when they occur.

5. Protect children’s right to receive a good quality education. Close the digital divide in urban and rural areas so that no child is left behind. All children should receive a quality education while learning, whether in-person or remotely.

6. Practice social distance based on CDC guidelines.

7. Stop organizing and attending super-spreader events.

8. Wash your hands.

9. Read credible information about the coronavirus.

Let’s be mindful of one another. Unify our message. Lead through best practices and adjust when needed so that we do not put ourselves and others at risk. Protect yourself and vulnerable populations from contracting COVID.

Put your masks on when out in public. Support the learning and development of our children while guarding their well-being. Build our economy. Let’s get our masks together and wear them responsibly.

Saturday

“Put Your Mask On: 3 Ways to Great Self-Care, Even During a Pandemic and Protest” by Laura D. Harver

“Put Your Mask On: 3 Ways to Great Self-Care, Even During a Pandemic and Protest” by Laura D. Harver

What next? As states open back up and people are stressing as they experience and witness racial disparities, injustice, tension and protest, job loss, and economic distress, the coronavirus numbers are alarming. The number of deaths in the United States surpassed 100,000 in 100 days and killed more than 354,000 people worldwide during this period, and those numbers are still climbing due to the coronavirus. As of July 31, 2020, the number of people impacted by the coronavirus is more than 4.5 million and at least 152,922 deaths in the United States, with more than 17.4 million cases and at least 675,213 deaths worldwide according to Johns Hopkins University. In the meantime, the American Psychiatric Association (APA, 2020) reported, “More than one-third of Americans (36%) say coronavirus is having a serious impact on their mental health.” Further, APA President, Bruce Schwartz, M.D., stated, “Stress and anxiety caused by the pandemic can and is having an effect on people’s physical and mental health.” Therefore, it is important to practice self-care and manage stress.

We have been advised to use protective measures, including practicing social distancing, washing our hands, and wearing a mask. Indeed, wearing a mask as protective gear during this COVID-19 pandemic is imperative and can save lives—yours and others’. Equally important to wearing a physical mask during this crisis is “putting your oxygen mask on first.” Because we are all interconnected, putting your “mask” on—taking care of yourself—can preserve lives, too. How do you put your mask on before you help others? By practicing self-care. Here are three easy-to-follow ways to take excellent care of yourself:

1. Manage Your Energy

To manage your energy, keep a journal for three days or a week. Write down what gives you energy and note the time of day. Write down what depletes your energy and note the time of day. Now, look over your list. Stop or reduce your time doing activities that drain your energy.

Organize, declutter, and then add to your space, if you like. Remove anything from your life and home that disrupts your peace, including objects that drain your energy and are not uplifting. Add things to your life and home that are uplifting, promote peace, and make you feel great. Also, add items to your room that enhance your work. Adding things that uplift you and increase your peace is crucial because it allows you to manage better and boost your energy.

2. Create and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

If you are working from home and need to create and maintain healthy boundaries in your home during this pandemic, designate a room or create a space for work. Why is this important? Having a designated space helps to establish boundaries. Having a separate area prevents you from allowing energy from work and others into your private space, especially your bedroom.

In addition to establishing boundaries with your physical space, create boundaries around your time. Create and use a plan that supports you personally and professionally. Set goals, create “to-do” lists, and prioritize your activities.

Be aware of timewasters and eliminate or reduce them. Utilize a calendar. Write down all of your tasks and appointments on the calendar. Note important dates, as well (e.g., necessary activities, family obligations, work duties, activities, lunch meetings, deadlines, etc.).

Maintain your work hours. Wash up, brush your teeth, and put on clothes other than pajamas. Communicate with stakeholders (e.g., family in your home, leaders, teams, internal and external contractors to your organization) as needed. Say NO and delegate when needed.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, etc., notice how you feel and where you feel these things in your body. Further, avoid taking out your emotions on others, such as your children, spouse, co-workers, etc., whether you are teleworking or onsite. Take a break. Give yourself space and perhaps a timeout. Remember to make time for yourself to rest and recharge. If you have difficulty in this area, consider seeking professional help from your doctor, a counselor, or a therapist, if needed.

3. Nurture Habits that Promote Your Happiness

Take an inventory of your habits. This will allow you to increase your self-awareness so that you are informed to make mindful decisions that support yourself. Write down the healthy habits you have and place an “H” by the items that promote your happiness. Examples of some healthy habits are deep breathing, practicing daily gratitude and appreciation, praying, meditating, doing yoga, eating healthy and drinking water, exercising (if your doctor recommends it), listening to music, reading a book, singing, gardening, and hanging out with positive people while practicing physical distancing. What are your happy habits? Is there something you can add to your list?

Now that you have three ways to support self-care, establish the habits and practices that work best for you. After all, self-care is about honoring yourself by doing what matters most to you and is best for your health, well-being, and quality of life.

Self-care involves what you allow in your spirit, soul, and body, what you choose to surround yourself with, and how you decide to spend your time. Self-care includes your way of being, your choices, and your behaviors, which can either support your self-care or not. Choose wisely. Choose you. After all, you will not be able to take care of anyone else during this pandemic or at any time unless you first take care of yourself. Further, putting your mask on can help you reduce stress and support your immune system. So, please put on your mask first and take care of yourself because you are worth it. You matter, and so do your loved ones and everyone in our communities.

Wednesday

Can’t We All See: The Tale of Two Knees

June 4, 2020 7:00 EST

One used his constitutional right. That same person was even encouraged to take a knee by Nate Boyer who served in the military, only to be called out of his name along with others. Though not featured on television as an Apprentice, Colin Kaepernick was FIRED! Now, can’t we all see?

Our fathers and mothers are patriotic, too. We served this country in honor, even when facing double jeopardy. So, do not tell me that my people are not patriotic. Now, can’t we all see? This is hypocrisy.

Our fathers and mothers died while being brought to this country before and during the middle passage. They were raped, used, abused, lynched, killed, and buried. Then, if not buried, their body parts were used as props to take pictures that adorned their homes. Our fathers and mothers suffered the harsh treatment of slave patrols, reconstruction, sharecropping, Jim Crow, unfair lending, driving while black, shopping while black, and breathing while black until they couldn’t breathe no more. Our fathers and mothers suffered from major illnesses attributed to stress.

Our children were ripped from their mother’s womb, forced into child labor, raped, snatched from their families, and sold. Children were maimed, lynched, and killed, as were their parents, and their parents, and on and on. Children have been taken in human and sexual trafficking in disproportionate numbers. This usually is not reported for others to be aware of or help.

Now, can’t we all see?

The other knee depicts the tale of the weight of systematic racism on the necks of negroes, coloreds, blacks, and African Americans.

Our fathers and mothers died from a direct result of unfair policing, sentencing, and the death penalty without trial, be it fair or not. The industrial prison population, gerrymandering, health disparities including mental health, poor education, being jailed instead of offered help for drug addiction (opioid crisis versus crack), poor media coverage by both sides of the majority, poverty, coronavirus, quality food scarcity, and so much weight. This accumulation of weight has been on our necks but is now more visible for the majority of society to see, but the fact is the weight was and is on our backs today. The back weight of privilege, injustice, and post-traumatic slave syndrome has been on our backs for over 3 minutes and 50 seconds. The weight is on our necks and backs before we even take our first breath. It’s systemic; it’s transgenerational; it’s painful.

Our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters are dragged from our homes to weaken our families. Often our mothers and fathers are blamed for it. We are accused by harmful politics and policies that oppress us daily and this. This. This goes on and on. This is why I am not okay, Amy, Karen, Becky, Fred, Pete, Tom, etc.

NO, I am not okay. We are not okay, and you (your treatment of us is) are not okay. So, just stop kneeing us! Stop health inequities, pay disparities, economic inequalities, mass incarceration by race, hyperincarceration by race, zero-tolerance programs by race, structural racism and bias, interpersonal racism and bias, the objectification of African American women, sexual and human trafficking of black bodies, and repetitive trauma.

Stop killing us! Stop repeating unjust actions and systemic racism. Remember…

Tanisha Anderson

Ahmaud Arbery

Sandra Bland

Rekia Boyd

Michael Brown

Miriam Carey

Philando Castile,

William Chapman II

Jamar Clark

Terence Crutcher

Shantel Davis

Monika Diamond

Sam Dubose

Manuel Ellis

Shelley Frey

George Floyd

Korryn Gaines

Eric Garner

Oscar Grant,

Freddie Gray

Akai Gurley

Darnisha Harris

Eric Harris

Kendra James

Botham Jean

Atatiana Jefferson

Kathryn Johnston

Trayvon Martin

David McAtee

Tony McDade

Jeremy McDole

Tyisha Miller

Laura Nelson

Nina Pop

Tamir Rice

Walter Scott

Yvette Smith

Aiyana Stanley-Jones

Alton Sterling

Breonna Taylor

Emmitt Till

Hayes Turner

Mary Turner

Pamela Turner

Malissa Williams

Tarika Wilson

Eliza Woods

And so many more

Further, do not police our emotions or our voice. THIS IS NOT OKAY!

TO BE OKAY and develop accountability, trust and heal from these continuous human right violations, we all must recognize our knees and where we place them and have needed conversations and actions that lead to true justice, resolutions, reconciliation, and peace. That will be a start to us being okay.